Be Kind to Your-Self: An Introduction to Self-Compassion
Contributor: Casey Upfold
When we hear the word “compassion”, we often think of it in terms of warm and kind feelings directed towards others. While being compassionate towards others, and mindful of their feelings are qualities we strive for, we often forget to act this way towards ourselves. For instance, when confronted with a friend who is going through a difficult time, and speaks negatively or harshly about themselves, we are often the first to console them, and re-assure them of their positive traits and personal attributes. However, we often fail to do this for ourselves when we are feeling down.
Over the last 15 years, researchers have developed the concept of self-compassion. Dr. Kristen Neff, PhD, is a leading contributor to this area of psychology, and conceptualizes self-compassion as “compassion focused on oneself”, and includes: three main components: mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is seeing and accepting circumstances as they are, in the present moment, so that you can respond in a compassionate and effective way (see our other blog post about Mindfulness). For instance, when faced with a stressful situation in life, perhaps the loss of a beloved pet, we must first become emotionally attuned and aware to our own feelings and suffering before we can tend to it. Neff suggests observing the experience, and seeing it for what it is, and acknowledging our feelings instead of ignoring, suppressing, or avoiding them. For instance, instead of wishing things were different, or pretending like it does not bother you try to acknowledge what you are feeling; whether it be longing, anger or sadness.
Self-Kindness
Self-kindness is a form of gentleness, acceptance, and understanding directed towards you. It is being in touch with your needs, and actively caring, and comforting yourself. When faced with negative situations, we can often be judgmental towards ourselves and think about our flaws. For instance, if we have been turned down on a career opportunity, we may be quick to be self-critical, such as thinking that it is because we are not good enough, or that we will never get a promotion again. Instead, we should try thinking about what it is that we need in the moment to express kindness towards ourselves, such as learning to accept yourself as you are, and that you are strong enough to get through this.
Common Humanity
Common humanity is a sense of being connected to other human beings. When faced with a negative situation, it is acknowledging that all humans suffer and all humans are innately valuable and worthy of love and care despite imperfections, instead of feeling alone in our suffering. When not being chosen for a career opportunity, it is easy to feel isolated and rejected, or as though this is something that always happens to you. Instead, it is helpful to try acknowledging that this is a moment of suffering, and part of the human experience, and you are not alone in your suffering, and it is something that other people go through as well.
If we can work towards becoming more in tuned with these concepts and being as compassionate towards ourselves as we are with others, we may actually experience some positive benefits. For instance, clinical researchers such as Dr. Michelle Neely and Dr. Mark Leary have found that self-compassion has consistently been related to lower levels of depression and anxiety, higher emotional intelligence, coping and stability, as well as promoting pro-social behaviours and feelings of well-being and life satisfaction, just to name a few.
Here are some steps you can take the next time you are feeling self-critical:
Think about and acknowledge how you are talking to yourself
Notice any words or phrases that are coming up more often than others, and think about what the origin of these thoughts might be
Try to soften the way you are talking to yourself, as you would to a friend in need
Reframe the way you talk to yourself in a more positive way, similarly to how you would talk to a self-critical friend
Move towards thinking that the moment is painful, and embrace yourself with kindness as a response
For additional exercises and to learn more about self-compassion visit Dr. Kristen Neff’s website at https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises